What Do I Do Now

I don’t know what to do now that you are gone. For these past 4 years you were my best friend. You were the one constant, always there, somewhere, just within my reach. You understood and comforted me when I lost my way when my dad died. When I needed it, you were the one that would “hold” me in the best way that you could, and I tried to do the same for you. When we were lonely, it was with each other that we chased those demons away. We bared our souls and never were judged by the other. You broke my walls and I trusted you with everything. You forgave me a 1000 times and never remembered you were ever mad. You lifted my heart whenever we came together and I could hold nothing back from you. You know the deepest parts of my soul and you understood me.

And now you’re not lonely anymore, but I still am, even more so because of the loss I feel. And the person I always turned to isn’t there anymore. When I can’t sleep or wake up with my heart beating and the panic starting because I’ll never know if you’re ok, I won’t have anyone to talk with or write to, to calm me. I feel like something is missing and sad because if no one else cared, I thought you did. And now I can't think that anymore. I will put you away inside my heart where I will hold your memory but can never quite look at it too closely or I will feel the loss all over again.

Happy 50^th Birthday to me, my dog got hit by a truck today. Like you said life’s messy.