Red Hair & Freckles

I went up to Luna Pier today. I wanted a little sun and to feel the breeze, smell the dead fish, pull mayflies out of my hair...So I sat on the pier and let my mind go, feeling the sun on my face, remembering when I was a child with bright red hair and freckles. Could never go in the sun without being covered up. I hated my red hair and freckles. Kids made fun of you, adults fawned over you and pinched your cheeks. When I see a child with that same coloring, I feel this inherent sadness for him. And then I thought here I am in the sun, trying to get some color, which means I am going to bring my freckles out...and that red hair I hated so much, I now pay money to have that color put back in my hair which I am bleaching out by sitting in the sun. I shouldn't let my mind go.

Can't Sleep, Tying Up Loose Thoughts

I hate waking up in the middle of the night and your mind starts going and then you can't get back to sleep. Ever since Blue died, this thought has been running through my head..."The definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different outcome"...So it is official then, I am insane because that pretty much sums me up.

So one thing I have done to stop the insanity is take my profile down from all these stupid personals sites. I've had my profile up on some of these sites for 4 years. In all that time, other than 1 person, all I have met was losers and liars. I don't even respond anymore because every time I lose a little bit more of my faith in humanity and my soul aches. I said that I was keeping my profile on them so when I was bored I could look at profiles, like people watching at the malls. But now that I have removed my profiles, I realize that there was always that last flicker of hope that maybe you would meet someone, even just a friend. And now that hope is gone...
I know there is no one out there for me, I try to be honest with myself, at least about that...but I guess it is nice to have that hope. What do you do when you have no more hopes and dreams?

Again, trying to be honest with myself, I realize that I wasn't ever going to be successful on those sites. For one thing, after being hurt or let down by men on the internet, I was very mistrustful of anyone. I am not pretty like the other woman, I don't wear a lot of make-up, my hair is not perfectly coiffed...it's not coiffed at all...I am not comfortable flirting, I am too honest...men are scared by honesty. And I could go on...but I am depressing myself. But I thought maybe I could find a friend, someone to do things with, watch a movie, go to the park, the drive-in, a concert in Detroit. But no one on those sites is looking for friends.

I did meet someone 4 years ago who remains a friend, well somewhere between a friend and a lover. I'm not sure what our relationship would be if we lived close, but he is 6 hrs away. He has been a touchstone for me, honest, caring...just hard because he is so far way and we never will know what could have been. I don't know maybe it's better this way. Maybe we wouldn't still have this relationship...such as it is...if we had the opportunity to explore the relationship in person.

Or maybe I would be in another situation where I would like to have this person in my life, even as a friend, but they don't want you. Since my father died 3 years ago, I have suffered with depression. A couple months after, I was contacted by someone through one of those sites. I wasn't even going to answer him, can even remember talking about it with my friend in Texas who has met many men from the personals, but he lived in the area and I thought, well, maybe this time...that old flicker of hope...I wish I had let it go...He seemed normal enough, we even met. I knew it wasn't going to be a "love connection", but I thought we could be friends. But men don't need friends...I'm not sure what this guy needs. I only know that every encounter with him, it seems like he holds out his hand to offer me something, and when I, in my naivete reach for it, he snatches his hand away laughing at my stupidity for reaching for it. When I have talked to him, he seems like a normal person...that's what's been so hard. I read his old emails, he seems normal, I give him the benefit of the doubt, then he pulls his hand back again. One time I asked him if he was one of those kids that ran around ringing people's doorbells. When you open the door, no one is there but you can hear snickering in the bushes.

The difficult part for me is that he has something I want more than anything...and no it is not a hot body...he has intelligence and worst of all a sense of humor. I enjoy more than anything being around people who can make me laugh. It is intoxicating for me, it releases endorphins or whatever in your brain, it fights the depression, it makes you just feel good. And he has what I call edge of my seat humor...he says something, then you wait, kind of holding your breath, trying to figure out what he means and then he says "I'm kidding!". I am such a laughter whore..."Research has shown that laughter is essential to your well-being. As scientists have learned more about the brain, they’ve discovered that smiles and laughter stimulate the brain to secrete chemicals, including endorphins, which seem to stimulate healing, increase happiness and reduce pain. Laughter is a powerful tool for your health. It can provide muscle relaxation, release from anger and fear, stress reduction, prevention of heart disease, reduction in headaches and anxiety, as well as needed socialization."

But he said something very hurtful to me a while ago and I never heard from him again...I had always hoped he would restore my faith in humanity and apologize but he didn't. So I called him one day and told him how hurtful he had been. I hoped that he was just being cruel to me and not making others feel the way he made me feel...again he never apologized. Then I found out he went through something I know very much about, he lost someone important to him. I wanted to do the decent, caring thing and call him, but I knew he so despised me that my call would not be welcome. But after losing my father, this weighed so heavy on my heart, and made me so sad that I could not reach out to him, another person who was hurting...Then one Saturday night, he was very much on my mind, I even prayed that God would let me let go of this burden of thinking about him and what he was going through...then my phone rang and it was him. A year after he had humiliated me, 6 months after I made the phone call to tell him how bad he made me feel. I was shocked. He apologized for his behavior, said he had gone through something and now he was feeling some humanity and said we were friends, I could call anytime...blah, blah, blah. Apparently humanity has a short-shelf life. I called him all through the holidays, I know he didn't want to talk to me, I'm not stupid, but I know how hard the first holidays are. Then I stopped, but every now and then I wonder how he is, I keep hoping that he really meant we could be friends, I keep looking for that humanity...but he lets my calls go to voice mail and never returns them. The last time I did talk with him, asked him if he ever wanted to walk in the park with me to give me a call. He sounded interested, asked me when I was off...held that hand out for me to reach for...then snatched it away...hasn't answered a phone call since. Humanity has a short shelf-life.

So I left him a message yesterday, why, because I guess I still hope to find that humanity in him. Sadly, I know I'll never talk to him again. I do hope he is ok, one of my old fears when I lose touch with people, always have this fear something is going to happen and I'll never know...like it did with Blue. But deep down, I know that he just didn't need a friend, and if he did it wasn't me. Sad...

So I will go to the drive-in by myself. And I will make myself laugh, and talk to myself on this blog.

Hey Lady!!!!

This past weekend I went to New York with a couple friends from work. We left Friday after work. I rushed home and took a shower and quick ate a Lean Cuisine...this is pertinent later in my adventure...then off to Nancy's and headed off to pick up a couple more people and then drive to Elyria to meet a bus and a couple more people.

Having never ridden on a bus, other than locally, Nancy, Oanh (my immediate boss) and I only took what we could carry around New York all day. Which for me was a back pack and a jacket. We didn't know we could leave things on the bus so we didn't take pillows or blankets which we could have used.

I barely slept all night. The seats of course are uncomfortable and were bothering the pinched nerve I have in my back which causes spasms in my knee ( an old injury last fall). Poor Oanh who is only about 4'5", (size 00 Petite, I hate her)was freezing so I gave her my jacket since I wasn't able to sleep anyway. The group I was with, a bunch of rowdy 60ish woman that all grew up together in Sandusky make this trip about once a year. They all came prepared. They brought coolers and food and drinks etc. Of course they offered us food, but I wasn't hungry (the surgery remember)and can't eat that kind of food, cheese, doughnuts, twizzlers, etc.. At about 6 30 am we stop in New Jersey so we can get cleaned up and I ate a protein bar (again this becomes improtant later on), thinking we would stop in New York and get some breakfast or at least grab something at McDonald's.

I have not been to New York and did not realize that the mountains go all the way to New York. As we are approaching the Lincoln tunnel...or maybe the Holland tunnel...not sure which...the houses were way up on this hills and the expressway lined with stone walls. Then we cross over into Manhattan. I think I threw my neck out twisting it around to see all these places I had seen on TV but never in person. I couldn't believe it was so big, everything was, the buildings, the billboards, the tv screens in Time Square. It was amazing.

So the bus dropped us off at 42nd and Madison and we were off. We walked a lot, first we went to Rockefeller Center to hit the today show (ok remember, I was with old ladies...um more mature ladies, they like Lester Holt.) Everywhere we go these men are coming up to use with boxes and sheets full of illegal designer knock-off purses and watches...the prize that was the reason we were going, well, they were, I was going just to go, don't know a Louis Vuitton from a Chanel and really don't care for either. I did get to stop at St. Patrick's Cathedral. I wanted to see that and light a candle for my brother who needs a kidney transplant. I was surprised it wasn't as big as I thought. It was big, don't get me wrong, but just not as big as it seemed when you see a Kennedy wedding there on TV. Then we were walking, walking, walking again, to find a Greyline bus, a doubledecker tourbus that we rode off and on all day. The tour guide gives a running commentary on all the points of interest.

Our destination was Chinatown. We got off and the chinese women are lined up, waiting for us. This is where I first heard those words that I heard so much that day I came to believe my name was Hey Lady! Hey Lady, you wanna buy a purse, we got purse...Hey Lady you wanna buy a watch, you buy Gucci? Hey Lady, you buy DVD? I was still turning around in circles trying to take it all in when I realized my friends were all walking down the street. I tag along wondering where they were going when I realize they are following a Chinese girl. Apparently they were zeroing in for a purse kill. We walked a couple blocks until we get to this like warehouse building. The chinese girl states upstairs 4 stairs. And everyone is like 4 flights, isn't there an elevator (noting the freight elevator just like on TV), no she says, not work. So we figure out who wants these purses bad enough to go up what actually turned out to be 4 floors, 8 flights of steps. I didn't go due to previously mentioned knee injury, walking is not a problem usually, but still have trouble with steps. So I waited downstairs with Marge, another newbie, who was the lone smoker and had a suitcase which I'm not sure why because she never bought anything all day, and she wasn't having any fun. I didn't know Marge, but she was obviously fearful. The chinese girl was trying to get us to move away from the door of the warehouse where we were waiting and I realize it was because she didn't want us to be a red flag for the cops. Marge wouldn't budge until I explained that they weren't going to mug or kill our friends or us, she just wanted us away from the door, she we walked to a stoop a couple doors down.

Well, the purse fanatics came back emptied handed. After walking all the way up there, the selection was crap and they didn't like the man selling the purses. Then when they got downstairs, there were people waiting for the elevator "that didn't work"! So off we go up and down some alleys until we come to this one store and next thing I know (I just keep following blindly)we are going in back of some sweat shop up and down narrow hallways into this small room about 12 by 8, lined with purses and about 12 people in there. Right off the bat, I spot this D & G bag that I love, sorry Dolce & Gabana for you fashion victims. Well, actually I did not even know it was a D & G until after I bought it, I just liked the purse, multicolored striped leather bag...as soft as buttah... Someone asks the chinese girl guarding the door how much for me ( I have no idea what I am doing) She says "FittyFibe dolla". I go to Oanh (pronounced "Wan"), who I should mention is Vietnamese. Nancy and I call her TigerLily because she can be fierce. I pissed her off once and work very hard never to do again. Oanh tells me to offer her $25. The chinese girl hears her and starts off!!! " I no like chinese lady, they say twennyfibe, no like.This new purse fittyfibe" So she wouldn't give it to me for twenny-fibe...damn....so I tried $30...no go, she keeps carrying on, tried $35---nope she came down to $40. I am worried about an international incident with all her carrying on about Oanh. She keeps telling me she no like Chinese lady. I told her she's not chinese, then we played 20 questions. She says what Japanese?, no I said, Korean she asks, I just put my hand up shook my head and walked away. So I finally bought the purse, which I love, for $40 with her carrying on about Oanh the whole time. So as I was leaving I asked her if I could ask a question and she said yes, I said what nationality are you. She looks at me like I am stupid, she's says "I chinese." I said well why you no like chinese lady? She's says "I know chinese lady, they always say twennyfibe. That new purse, it fittyfibe." Then Oanh gets in her face and says, you don't like then don't sell purses. Ahhhh TigerLily... Then as Oanh and I stand outside waiting for the others, this girl came back and forth a couple times with more customers they grab off the street. First she would give Oanh dirty looks, but Oanh would point her finger at her and say I'll call the police. Then the girl starts to worry a little and she comes up to us and is telling us if the police ask where we bought the purses not to tell them we bought them there. Oanh kept agitating her and said I'll tell the police. So then she decides to try and chum up to Oanh and she says I like you...Oanh says, youlike me becuase you are afraid I'll call the police. I'm still waiting for the Chinese mafia to kill us.

So we went on our way, I don't know how many hours we spent in Chinatown, I only know I would be walking along and realize I am alone because they would disappear in the back room of some store and spend a half hour buying purses wallets and watches. It's now about 1 in the afternoon. I have only had that protein bar since 6 pm the night before. Since the surgery I don't really feel hungry but I knew my blood sugar was dropping. the others started saying we should eat, but then they would disappear and God forbid that 7 women should be able to have a consensus on whether to just pick up something to eat on the street or go sit down somewhere. This went on for an h our until I finally told Nancy, I had to eat or pass out, then trying to find someplace in Chinatown...I can't just eat a hot dog off the street, and I have to eat slow and chew the food really well. At that point my blood sugar was so low I was starting to get edgy and anxious...the streets were packed and the chinese were coming at me left and right Hey Lady you wanna buy....whatever...I must not have looked too well because we finally found a McDonalds which also is not something I would normally eat, but I figured I could eat chicken. So we avoided a medical incident in the middle of Canal Street in Chinatown.

The adventure continued... nothing as dramatic...the rest of the day, We went to Ground Zero, then got caught in the rain and couldn't get a bus, and when we finally did had to stand smashed together holding on to a ring for an hour just like in the movies. We made it back to our charter bus by 8 pm after more walking, walking, walking...And Nancy, God love her, gave me her seat on the bus because she didn't have anyone next to her, so I could lay down and sleep on the way home. Everyone was exhausted and where the ride to New York was loud and boisterous, the way home everyone slept like the dead...cuddled up with their purses.

Glass Parade

The following are the words to a song that is one of those that jumps out and grabs you because it speaks to how you feel at a particular time in your life...There are a couple words I couldn't make out, I've posted the link Cary Brothers my space page, listen to the song (you have to scroll down in his list of songs) and see if you can help me out, if not then hopefully the lyrics will be in his CD when I get it. Those of you that know me well and all my secrets might recognize why I love this song.

The Glass Parade

Just a voice inside your head,
Whisperin’ all the hope is dead.
All the time you had to prove,
That no one really loves you.
I found you in a reflection,
You didn’t want me to see.
I will give you all I have,
just look up, Break down and believe.

This is a Glass Parade…A fragile state
And I am trying not to break.
And the stars are shining,
The moon is right
And I would kill to be with you tonight.

Wish you told me all the truth,
So afraid to face an absolute.
All the fights you had to lose,
All that fear was put upon you.
I found you when you were broken
Too many cracks of deceit
I will give you all I have,
just look up, Break down and believe

This is a Glass Parade…A fragile state
And I am trying not to break
And the stars are shining
The moon is right
And I would kill to be with you tonight.

This is the feeling falling,
So much I want to say.
Show me the same emotion.
Show me what’s at stake,
How much can you take
When you realize your fate.

Hold me now as the car lights fade
And we are dancing in the Glass Parade.
Dancing in the Glass Parade.

It’s just voice inside your head.


Addendum 06 22 07. I got the CD and lyrics and updated them

What a Little Girl!

This little precious girl gave me chills, then I couldn't help but smile from ear to ear...

This Is Me After My Surgery

I wish this would be me after surgery...I've lost 50 lbs so far. I'm struggling right now, though. At first after surgery I had a lot of internal swelling. This only allowed me to eat about 1/8 cup of food at a time...3 times a day. So the weight did drop off quickly. But once the swelling resolved, I was starting to feel hungry, so on May 7th, I had the band tightened.

The first time the band is tightened, it's done with fluoroscopy at the hospital. That was really interesting. First you lay on the table and the doctor numbs you, then inserts a large bore needle into the port. You are hoping he doesn't miss because he could poke a hole in the catheter if he does and then you would need surgery to fix it. My friend had that happen. Once they have the needle in the port in your abdomen you stand in front of this Xray machine and you have to drink barium...God, I detest that crap. Then on the monitor you can watch the barium go down your throat and into the pouch at the top of your stomach created after they put the band around your stomach. Then you can watch how fast or slowly the barium goes through the narrow opening created by the band from the pouch into your stomach. The doctor puts saline into the port to increase the tension of the band to slow down how fast the pouch empties. He may put some in and have to take some out until he gets it right. It is very cool watching all this happen. I could see the band around my stomach and watch the hole process of swallowing and the contractions of the esophagus as the barium moves through. I worry about the pouch getting stretched out but both Dr Duckett and Oweis who were both there assured me, my pouch was fine. Those sweet talkers...

So since then, I can still eat a fare amount. Your pouch should hold about 1 cup of masticated food. Your hunger receptors are at the top of your stomach, so you eat less because the message gets to your mind faster. Plus the pouch empties slower since the band was tightened so you feel full longer. That's why we are not supposed to drink at least 1/2 hr. before meals and 1 to 2 hrs after meals, so the food is not liquefied and moves through faster.

So why am I struggling? I don't know. I just am not seeing any weight loss right now. I was walking at least 5 times a week, and Tai Chi once a week. I had to stop going to the park which was my favorite spot since surgery because the mosquitos became so bad this year, and without Dempsey to walk with, I don't enjoy walking in the neighborhood. So i switched to aerobic tapes. Let me tell you, there is nothing funnier than a fat girl doing Hip Hop Abs. I have been doing that 6 days a week if not 7, plus tai chi one day a week. Still only eating 3 meals a day. I try to stick to 1200 calories a day. So what's the problem??? Why is my scale not moving??? My body feels like I am still losing, but I need to see the proof.

People don't understand obesity, not even the so-called experts. Everyone thinks it is lack of willpower, and just stop eating and you'll lose weight. OK that is called starvation...and when your body starves, it conserves by holding onto fat. No one seems to understand that this is a disease of the mind, just like anorexia. The toxic thinking that affects how you feel and what you do is more powerful than all the willpower in the world. Even when you recognize it as toxic thinking, it is still difficult to battle. And it is a constant battle. When I got on that stupid scale today, and saw that it hadn't moved down, actually was up (note to self, get a new scale), after only eating 3 meals yesterday, doing my aerobics, went to the beach and walked on the sand (that's not easy), worked in the yard pulling up vinca (very invasive and pain in the ass to remove, don't ever plant it) and trimming a tree...I want to give up. say FUCK IT, if I work this hard and see a weight gain, what is the point. I might as well eat chocolate... Instead I came here to blog about it. How unsatisfying (no offense).

I am trying to be rational. Think of those before me who have lost a lot of weight after the surgery. My friend in Texas, Muhammad Ali's daughter, people in my support group... I know my age is working against me, it will be harder for me. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for already, 50 lbs is alot of weight and I feel so much better. Just so hard to fight that voice in my head (La Voix Dans Ma Tete).

My sister in law teaches aerobics at a Chevrolet plant here. An overweight woman came to her about dieting and she was telling her about my surgery. The woman said that I had taken the easy way out. This is the easy way out? Of course, my sister in law who is the skinniest but nicest person I ever met told her it was not easy and she was proud of me...but then you have the other comments that you get. A couple weeks after I had lost 44 lbs one of my friends at work asked me how much I had lost now... And when I said about 45lbs, she said well that's what you had lost before haven't you lost anymore. Why thank you, I really needed that encouragement. My sister (height/weight proportional), who I haven't seen since Christmas came in this past weekend. She was anxious to see me knowing I had lost 50 lbs. She's like let me look at you, then she says ok, I can see you've lost some weight, your face is thinnner. Again, thank you, but I'm pretty sure I didn't lose 50 lbs from my face!

So, how do I get through today? Well, I guess I go put that damn Hip Hop Abs DVD in, and try to take it one day at a time...Tomorrow is the support group, which is not really much of a support, really just a bunch of whining people, but I get to weigh in, woohoo...and hope that my scale is broken and really I have lost 5 lbs since last meeting.

Ready To Take To The High Seas!