I Love Jason Mraz

I think this is my favorite song of his. I put on my earphone and get lost in this song...

Waiting For the Shit To Drop

As I previously mentioned, this is a sea gull that perches over my head at the pier, while I wait for the perfectly poised bomber to let all loose

I Don't Really Have Anything To Say

Life is status quo and I have nothing to say. I have been reading other blogs and two things sparked thoughts in my mind.

First, on a blog, it said "If you hate seeing a heart break, did you look the other way when you broke mine?" That reminded me something my husband said to me "I don't want to hurt you", so instead of changing the behavior that was hurting me, he left...which hurt most of all because he didn't love me enough to stay and work things out.

Then on another blog someone was talking about their dreams. And I realized I haven't dreamt in a while. I usually am a vivid dreamer. Probably because I have an awful time sleeping, so I remember them more because I don't spend as much time in REM, but lately I haven't been dreaming. Actually, we all dream all the time, but I haven't been remembering them. Maybe I am getting more deep sleep than I used to. That may be from daily exercising. I have mixed feelings about not remembering my dreams. My dreams have tortured me, especially when they are about my husband, because they always leave me sad...I would wake thinking, Oh I have to call him, then realize I can't. Even 24 years since he died, I would still dream about him. But on the other hand, I miss some of my dreams. They can be funny or it can just be fun trying to figure them out. I believe our dreams are the way we work things out, I don't give them any special or spiritual meaning. Although one time I did have this very strange and prophetic dream that was healing emotionally, but I will save that for another day.

And one other thing I would like to say. I have found that when I relate in type, I use the word "just" a lot...and this irritates me. I also tend to wind down a post with a sentence beginning with "So". This also irritates me.

So I will just have to work on not doing that.

The Internet Crash 2007

Just Me and My Blog

I hate Fridays. I guess I don't really hate all of Friday, the hate starts in the afternoon. We got to work all week and we can't wait till it's Friday again. We count off the days and then voi'la!, it's here. When I wake in the morning I love not just turning off the alarm, but disarming it for the whole weekend. Then you get to work and you think I can do this, just eight more hours and then I have the whole weekend away from all of this.

But then as I head back to work after lunch, this heaviness settles on me, dragging me down. What's to look forward to. I have no plans, no one to do anything with. The phones not going to ring, unless of course it's my mother trying to make me feel responsible for her happiness. After work, I stop and buy my lottery ticket, then drive around a bit,delaying going home. The house will seem especially quiet and lonely on a Friday night. I hate it. I just wish there was someone, a friend, that would come over and watch a movie, or go out for a drink, or just call on the phone.

I have friends out of town, one friend from Georgia may call me to pass the time while she drives 2 hours to meet her current love interest...so I get to listen to her happiness and hear about her sex life and the fun they will have...happy for her but feeling lonelier. This friend wants me to feel like she does, so she emails some guy from one of the personals that I just took my profile off of...keeps bugging me to write him. I have no desire because: a.) he's 4 hours away and b.) it will probably just be another disaster, like the last guy I met from the internet. The one I previously mentioned who got some pleasure out of repeatedly yanking my chain. I will never understand that whole situation or why someone who would seek you out to offer you the thing you wanted most in the world, friendship, tells you to call anytime, then ignores my calls. I will never understand him and at the same time when I think of that whole situation I feel a sense of sadness...he lives a few miles away, but couldn't be farther away. I know that any sane person would say get over it, it's his loss, he will never know what he missed out on... Just when I do think of him, it's sad...he lives so close, we could have been friends, I will probably never see him again...why do I care, he was disappointing as a human being, he made my soul hurt...funny thing is, he tried to undo that lack of humanity, only to magnify his deficit of character when he did it to me yet again. I still think there was so much potential there, I saw glimmers of it...

But I hate losing people, anyone...I have lost my husband, 2 sisters, 2 best friends, my father...my heart has all these little compartments where I keep them. Sometimes the door opens a little and I start to peek inside at them, but then I slam it shut. I keep them close, know they are there, but if let that door open, a floodgate of sadness and loss will overwhelm me.

So I sit here on a Friday night, just me and my blog. this will be my best friend for now.

There's a Cat in My Bathtub

We had storms one night and my mother's electricity went out. So I had to bring her over here for the night. She went to use the bathroom and she comes back and says "There's a cat in your bathtub". My reply was, of course, "Just one?". My cats love to hang out in the tub. They lounge there, they insist on getting their water from the faucet dripping. I've tried to leave them water, even put a bowl in the bathtub but no, they want it fresh from the tap. Whenever you sit on the toilet, the female tiger suddenly appears and walks along the edge of the tub wanting to be petted. She does not like to be held., Won't let you pick her up. So I always have had a terrible time brushing her. Finally, it dawns on me the other day, just brush her in the tub! Ok, So I am slow...So there I was, brushing the cat, bent over the tub, my ass in the air. She absolutely loved it, rolled around in there, even let me brush her stomach which she really doesn't like to be touched. All went well until in her ecstasy at being brushed she gave one of those low growl-purr-meow sounds, something close to a hot sweaty sex sound (as well as I can remember). This alerted Dempsey, the dog, that someone was getting attention other than he and he came to check it out, which of course upset the whole bonding moment that Lily and I had going on. It's kind of strange, that I have to sneak around with my other pets, so that Dempsey doesn't find out...almost like an adulterer. But then I guess it's kind of strange that I have a cat (or 2) in my bathtub.

Intellectualism or Creativity...You decide

I woke up today without anything to do. It is the 4th of July, a holiday, and I had no plans...life...or lack of...So I laid in bed for awhile thinking maybe I would get my master's...or take up jewelry making. So should I satisfy my intellectual side or my artistic side. Maybe the problem is, I never perfect any side of me.

Weighing my options I thought the master's sounded pretty good, but I would have to do a master's thesis and I am just not into that anymore. That stuff used to just pour out of me. When I had to write this 30 page analytical paper, I of course put it off until the last minute. The night before it was due I think I had maybe 10 pages done. And of course putting off till tomorrow what you can get done today is never a good idea. But I procrastinate, and I work best under pressure. It's like it shocks me into action. In this case, it really wasn't a good idea to put it off because my best friend was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer that day, and I spent all night with her on the phone, trying to help her while I wrote 20 pages of analysis. I still don't know how I did it, I only know I was up all night, finished at 630 am and my class was at 8 am. I only did 27 pages, I just hit a wall and could not go further. So I handed it in and expected to flunk. Surprisingly, I got an A...unbelievable...still am in shock about that and it was 10 years ago. However, I do have to say, that although I do procrastinate, I am constantly thinking about the papers and wrote things in my head. So by the time I actually put finger to keyboard it has already started to take form.

On the other hand, this jewelry making is intriguing me. I bought a bracelet at an art show a week or so ago. It is a gold woven bracelet with multi-colored stones all the way around it. I get so many compliments on this bracelet. A few minutes ago I stopped to buy a bottle of water and the cashier said "that is a beautiful bracelet"...The artist who makes them offers teaching kits on her website that you can purchase that gives you all the materials you need to learn. I used to do many crafts...crochet, knit, cross stitch, wood crafts, years ago I did ceramics. I haven't tapped into my creativity in a long time...but I also look around here and see all the unfinished crafts packed away in the closet. So will this be one more unfinished project making me feel guilty.

So what do I do? Probably neither. It was just something to muse about today. I just need something to do, to at least feel I have a purpose in life. I'm not sure blogging is that which will give me sustenance long term.

Another Sunday At The Pier

I went up to Luna Pier again today. In the spring I spent every moment I could at Secor Park. I loved taking the dogs there for walks. Or after work I would go out there and walk by myself and then sit in the sun and read for awhile before coming home. I just needed to get out in the open. But then after about Mother's Day, the mosquitos became so bad it was no longer enjoyable. I went out there one Sunday and just driving in with my window cracked these huge mosquitos got in and terrorized me. So I guess Luna Pier is my new openness. It's not really my new openness, I have gone up there for years as a place of contemplation.

The pier goes out about 1/8th mile I guess, so I walk the pier and then sit in the sun. Today it was quite choppy and these huge blankets of seaweed were everywhere in the water creating dark ominous shadows in the water. There's always old men and boys with their dads fishing off the pier. Today there was this family of 3 boys and a girl. Well, I didn't realize they were all together because the mother and daughter were a short way away from the boys and father. I was thinking, hmmm he's cute, no wedding ring. Then I found out later they were all together as they left. Of course, "she" was very nice and commented to me what a beautiful day it was...while I felt guilty I had been coveting her husband's ass. Well arms really, I have an arm thing. Kind of weird. Then one of the boys about 9 yrs old walks past me, proudly carrying the lone fish they all caught and he says to me "I caught it!" Actually he should have been proud because it was probably 10 inches long and went a couple pounds. I said "Wow, are you going to eat it?". Again pangs of guilt for lasciviously coveting his father's ass, I mean arms. Dang nice family. And he's like "yep!"...So cute.

As I sat there, thinking, thinking...I'm always thinking. Does everyone do this. What else is there to do when you are not talking, which I don't do a lot as I spend so much time alone. But I get the sense that maybe not everyone does all this thinking, because one of my friends at work said I have the strangest thoughts. But can the mind be shut down? Someone tell me, am I some anomaly because I can't shut it off. I just hop around from one thought to the other. Some inane, some deep and thoughtful...And don't recommend therapy, please. I have spent my time there...it just makes me think more. And at some point, you just have to accept that life can suck and all the talking about it isn't changing it.

Anyway, so I sat there, soaking up some sun...watching the kids play on the beach...thinking that my sister and her husband may be one of those sails I saw in the distance. They started on a month long vacation (laughing, they are retired how can they be on vacation but if they want to call it that, ok) on Friday. heading to Port Clinton from Cleveland and then on to Windsor and they will go up to the upper Great Lakes. And then I heard a cry of a sea gull quite close. I look up from my bench on the pier and note two gulls sitting on the lamp post above my head and one of them had his ass end poised over the edge of the lamp they were sitting on directly above my head. I sat there thinking "Oh no you won't, will you? Geez, please, not that...I can't take the shit life throws at you and now your shit too!" I waited breathlessly, thinking "please go away, please, I don't want sea gull poop on me". But it was a good day today! Suddenly another gull found something down the pier of interest and let out that screeching alarm to the other gulls and my terrorist gull flew away. Dodged that bullet...or bomb as the case may be.

I Am A Snapdragon

"Mischief is your middle name,
but your first is friend.
You are quite the prankster that
loves to make other people laugh."






I know that assigning your psyche to a type of flower, or a color, or a precious stone or any of the myriad other things these tests propose are purely at the discretion of the author. I mean who ever decided that snapdragons denote friendship and mischievousness. But is there something to these little psychological profiles because I do love to make people laugh and my first name is Amie which means friend...