Send In the Clowns

I am so full of sadness today. This is a very strange year for me. In some ways, I feel like I am embarking on a new life...Since my surgery I have lost about 50 lbs, I feel so much better, I feel hopeful, that maybe there is something good waiting around the corner...

Then on the flip side, everywhere I turn I feel so many endings and loss. I dreamt about my husband the other night. He died 24 years ago. In the dream he told me we can't ever talk again...Blue is gone, I'll never talk to him again. Someone I hadn't heard from in over a year, comes back...but apparently our BFF-ness was dependent on something I didn't want to do...I said no and that was the last I heard. I took a chance and emailed an old friend and he moved across the country...lost forever. Someone who has always been there and was a touchstone has been distant and invisible... I pressed for the truth and got it...can't fool myself any longer. And finally the one I would like to be friends with, who makes me laugh, who humiliated me then a year later apologized and swore fealty just lets my calls go to VM which are never returned.

I guess waiting for whatever is around the corner is useless when you are stuck in a round existence. You keep circling and always ending up in the same spot. And they wonder why you act crazy...At work they have an aquarium in the lobby and there is this orange and white clown fish...every minute of every day that clown fish is in the left corner of the aquarium swimming spastically in a 4 inch area. Compulsively darting back and forth never leaving that limited space. I feel like that clown fish...

There is nothing lonelier than choices made out of desperation

The Other Beasts In My LIfe

Milo and Lily hanging out

Zoe in the sun

Milo the jungle cat

The Love of My LIfe

Dempsey

Three years ago my dad died. I loved my father beyond words and the sadness I felt at his passing still simmers just below the surface ready to break free. Four days after burying my father a beautiful puppy came into my life.


I named him Dempsey and this dog has been my best friend and brought me more joy and laughter than I felt in a long time. After my surgery in March, he also became my walking partner. Oh we had walked plenty the last few years, but now I need to walk 5 to 6 times per week. And Dempsey is always there jumping on me and doing mid-air pirouettes while I try to get a lead on him. But when I started walking post-op, I noticed that Dempsey had a little hitch in his step on his back leg. Over the last 2 months it has gotten worse, and after I take him for a walk, he limps noticeably. A week ago, we were deep in the woods at the park, a mile from the car and he was limping so bad, at times he hopped along on 3 legs. He's been limping since. So today I spent $300 for x-rays and my fear was realized...Dempsey has hip dysplasia.

I know it's not the end of the world, and at this time we are treating him with a special diet and anti-inflammatory medication; but I feel a certain sadness that my vibrant, happy clown is going to face pain and possibly disability long-term. And I don't want to see him in pain. I can't even take his subdued attitude tonite. He's been kind of out of it and quiet tonite after the anesthesia, he didn't even go nuts at the vet when I picked him up when the other dogs came in and out.

I guess the lesson here, is enjoy the time you have with the ones you love because everything always changes...

Farewell To A Friend

Papi and his Fatgirl

One of "those" calls came in the middle of the night. You know when the phone rings that it's not going to be good. As you reach for the phone your heart is sinking and you start going through your loved ones in your mind wondering which one is in trouble. Last night, the call was truly "Out of the Blue"...

I didn't even recognize my best friend's voice through the agony of her sobs. The love of her life, my friend Blue, was gone...a motorcycle accident in Boston...2 weeks ago...all I could say was "Oh My God" over and over. He was someone I met in the chat rooms, to some that would be inconsequential. But he was a friend, someone I met, the first person from the world of the internet that I met in person. Within a few minutes of meeting me, he had me pegged...damn him...and he tormented me endlessly, loving every minute of it. Today I think every conversation we had ran through my head. And with the utmost sadness, I realize, my phone will never again ring on a Sunday morning and I will hear that goofball flying along the highway with his Mexican music blaring and his sweet deep voice singing to me in Spanish...

Oh Blue, I am so sorry it has been so long since we talked...Why do we take our existence for granted and think the other will always be there. I will miss you forever...And when you get to heaven, where I am sure God has a special place for His naughty Latino boys, and you meet another tall, handsome Mexican man from Laredo, with a line just as smooth as yours...tell Dino I love him always...and I love you too...

Your Candy Girl, Belle