Just Me and My Blog

I hate Fridays. I guess I don't really hate all of Friday, the hate starts in the afternoon. We got to work all week and we can't wait till it's Friday again. We count off the days and then voi'la!, it's here. When I wake in the morning I love not just turning off the alarm, but disarming it for the whole weekend. Then you get to work and you think I can do this, just eight more hours and then I have the whole weekend away from all of this.

But then as I head back to work after lunch, this heaviness settles on me, dragging me down. What's to look forward to. I have no plans, no one to do anything with. The phones not going to ring, unless of course it's my mother trying to make me feel responsible for her happiness. After work, I stop and buy my lottery ticket, then drive around a bit,delaying going home. The house will seem especially quiet and lonely on a Friday night. I hate it. I just wish there was someone, a friend, that would come over and watch a movie, or go out for a drink, or just call on the phone.

I have friends out of town, one friend from Georgia may call me to pass the time while she drives 2 hours to meet her current love interest...so I get to listen to her happiness and hear about her sex life and the fun they will have...happy for her but feeling lonelier. This friend wants me to feel like she does, so she emails some guy from one of the personals that I just took my profile off of...keeps bugging me to write him. I have no desire because: a.) he's 4 hours away and b.) it will probably just be another disaster, like the last guy I met from the internet. The one I previously mentioned who got some pleasure out of repeatedly yanking my chain. I will never understand that whole situation or why someone who would seek you out to offer you the thing you wanted most in the world, friendship, tells you to call anytime, then ignores my calls. I will never understand him and at the same time when I think of that whole situation I feel a sense of sadness...he lives a few miles away, but couldn't be farther away. I know that any sane person would say get over it, it's his loss, he will never know what he missed out on... Just when I do think of him, it's sad...he lives so close, we could have been friends, I will probably never see him again...why do I care, he was disappointing as a human being, he made my soul hurt...funny thing is, he tried to undo that lack of humanity, only to magnify his deficit of character when he did it to me yet again. I still think there was so much potential there, I saw glimmers of it...

But I hate losing people, anyone...I have lost my husband, 2 sisters, 2 best friends, my father...my heart has all these little compartments where I keep them. Sometimes the door opens a little and I start to peek inside at them, but then I slam it shut. I keep them close, know they are there, but if let that door open, a floodgate of sadness and loss will overwhelm me.

So I sit here on a Friday night, just me and my blog. this will be my best friend for now.