I hate waking up in the middle of the night and your mind starts going and then you can't get back to sleep. Ever since Blue died, this thought has been running through my head..."The definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different outcome"...So it is official then, I am insane because that pretty much sums me up.
So one thing I have done to stop the insanity is take my profile down from all these stupid personals sites. I've had my profile up on some of these sites for 4 years. In all that time, other than 1 person, all I have met was losers and liars. I don't even respond anymore because every time I lose a little bit more of my faith in humanity and my soul aches. I said that I was keeping my profile on them so when I was bored I could look at profiles, like people watching at the malls. But now that I have removed my profiles, I realize that there was always that last flicker of hope that maybe you would meet someone, even just a friend. And now that hope is gone...
I know there is no one out there for me, I try to be honest with myself, at least about that...but I guess it is nice to have that hope. What do you do when you have no more hopes and dreams?
Again, trying to be honest with myself, I realize that I wasn't ever going to be successful on those sites. For one thing, after being hurt or let down by men on the internet, I was very mistrustful of anyone. I am not pretty like the other woman, I don't wear a lot of make-up, my hair is not perfectly coiffed...it's not coiffed at all...I am not comfortable flirting, I am too honest...men are scared by honesty. And I could go on...but I am depressing myself. But I thought maybe I could find a friend, someone to do things with, watch a movie, go to the park, the drive-in, a concert in Detroit. But no one on those sites is looking for friends.
I did meet someone 4 years ago who remains a friend, well somewhere between a friend and a lover. I'm not sure what our relationship would be if we lived close, but he is 6 hrs away. He has been a touchstone for me, honest, caring...just hard because he is so far way and we never will know what could have been. I don't know maybe it's better this way. Maybe we wouldn't still have this relationship...such as it is...if we had the opportunity to explore the relationship in person.
Or maybe I would be in another situation where I would like to have this person in my life, even as a friend, but they don't want you. Since my father died 3 years ago, I have suffered with depression. A couple months after, I was contacted by someone through one of those sites. I wasn't even going to answer him, can even remember talking about it with my friend in Texas who has met many men from the personals, but he lived in the area and I thought, well, maybe this time...that old flicker of hope...I wish I had let it go...He seemed normal enough, we even met. I knew it wasn't going to be a "love connection", but I thought we could be friends. But men don't need friends...I'm not sure what this guy needs. I only know that every encounter with him, it seems like he holds out his hand to offer me something, and when I, in my naivete reach for it, he snatches his hand away laughing at my stupidity for reaching for it. When I have talked to him, he seems like a normal person...that's what's been so hard. I read his old emails, he seems normal, I give him the benefit of the doubt, then he pulls his hand back again. One time I asked him if he was one of those kids that ran around ringing people's doorbells. When you open the door, no one is there but you can hear snickering in the bushes.
The difficult part for me is that he has something I want more than anything...and no it is not a hot body...he has intelligence and worst of all a sense of humor. I enjoy more than anything being around people who can make me laugh. It is intoxicating for me, it releases endorphins or whatever in your brain, it fights the depression, it makes you just feel good. And he has what I call edge of my seat humor...he says something, then you wait, kind of holding your breath, trying to figure out what he means and then he says "I'm kidding!". I am such a laughter whore..."Research has shown that laughter is essential to your well-being. As scientists have learned more about the brain, they’ve discovered that smiles and laughter stimulate the brain to secrete chemicals, including endorphins, which seem to stimulate healing, increase happiness and reduce pain. Laughter is a powerful tool for your health. It can provide muscle relaxation, release from anger and fear, stress reduction, prevention of heart disease, reduction in headaches and anxiety, as well as needed socialization."
But he said something very hurtful to me a while ago and I never heard from him again...I had always hoped he would restore my faith in humanity and apologize but he didn't. So I called him one day and told him how hurtful he had been. I hoped that he was just being cruel to me and not making others feel the way he made me feel...again he never apologized. Then I found out he went through something I know very much about, he lost someone important to him. I wanted to do the decent, caring thing and call him, but I knew he so despised me that my call would not be welcome. But after losing my father, this weighed so heavy on my heart, and made me so sad that I could not reach out to him, another person who was hurting...Then one Saturday night, he was very much on my mind, I even prayed that God would let me let go of this burden of thinking about him and what he was going through...then my phone rang and it was him. A year after he had humiliated me, 6 months after I made the phone call to tell him how bad he made me feel. I was shocked. He apologized for his behavior, said he had gone through something and now he was feeling some humanity and said we were friends, I could call anytime...blah, blah, blah. Apparently humanity has a short-shelf life. I called him all through the holidays, I know he didn't want to talk to me, I'm not stupid, but I know how hard the first holidays are. Then I stopped, but every now and then I wonder how he is, I keep hoping that he really meant we could be friends, I keep looking for that humanity...but he lets my calls go to voice mail and never returns them. The last time I did talk with him, asked him if he ever wanted to walk in the park with me to give me a call. He sounded interested, asked me when I was off...held that hand out for me to reach for...then snatched it away...hasn't answered a phone call since. Humanity has a short shelf-life.
So I left him a message yesterday, why, because I guess I still hope to find that humanity in him. Sadly, I know I'll never talk to him again. I do hope he is ok, one of my old fears when I lose touch with people, always have this fear something is going to happen and I'll never know...like it did with Blue. But deep down, I know that he just didn't need a friend, and if he did it wasn't me. Sad...
So I will go to the drive-in by myself. And I will make myself laugh, and talk to myself on this blog.
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