Send In the Clowns

I am so full of sadness today. This is a very strange year for me. In some ways, I feel like I am embarking on a new life...Since my surgery I have lost about 50 lbs, I feel so much better, I feel hopeful, that maybe there is something good waiting around the corner...

Then on the flip side, everywhere I turn I feel so many endings and loss. I dreamt about my husband the other night. He died 24 years ago. In the dream he told me we can't ever talk again...Blue is gone, I'll never talk to him again. Someone I hadn't heard from in over a year, comes back...but apparently our BFF-ness was dependent on something I didn't want to do...I said no and that was the last I heard. I took a chance and emailed an old friend and he moved across the country...lost forever. Someone who has always been there and was a touchstone has been distant and invisible... I pressed for the truth and got it...can't fool myself any longer. And finally the one I would like to be friends with, who makes me laugh, who humiliated me then a year later apologized and swore fealty just lets my calls go to VM which are never returned.

I guess waiting for whatever is around the corner is useless when you are stuck in a round existence. You keep circling and always ending up in the same spot. And they wonder why you act crazy...At work they have an aquarium in the lobby and there is this orange and white clown fish...every minute of every day that clown fish is in the left corner of the aquarium swimming spastically in a 4 inch area. Compulsively darting back and forth never leaving that limited space. I feel like that clown fish...